


Revenge is a Dish Best Served Loud

by andabatae



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo, Ben is a precious bean, Blow Jobs, Comedy, Cunnilingus, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Humor and Smut, Humor, Loss of Virginity, Loud Sex, Neighbors, Poe is a ho fo sho, Poe is a terrible housesitter, Revenge Sex but not how you think, Rey is deeply weird, Smut, Virgin Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-06-25 02:20:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19736383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andabatae/pseuds/andabatae
Summary: Inspired bythis prompt:“Rey is so done hearing her neighbor's sex life that when she sees him she gives him piece of her mind. Turns out, Ben, the neighbor, is not even in town during those sexcapades, it's his friend he asked to housesit. Together they plot revenge.”





	1. Chapter 1

It was happening again.

Rey banged her head back against her pillow in symbolic protest. Maybe she should bang it against the wall, instead, which would serve two purposes. Firstly, she’d get a little revenge for the rhythmic thumping of her neighbor’s headboard against their shared wall, and secondly, maybe she’d knock herself out before the pleasured screaming started.

Every. Fucking. Night.

Rey had met her neighbor, Ben, a few times, and yeah, he was hot in an unconventional way, with his mismatched features and frankly phenomenal build, but how did he have the game to pull a new woman every fucking night for the last three weeks? Rey knew they were different women, because the pitch and duration of the screaming varied. She could probably write a wildlife guide at this point: _A Reluctant Observer’s Guide to the Orgasming Ladies of Apartment Five_.

It was obnoxious and unbelievable, and it was hard to reconcile the O-tastic shrieking from next door with the quiet, surly man who’d fumbled his pile of mail when she’d said “hello” at the mailboxes last month. Most of Ben’s communication with Rey had consisted of grunts and mutters, yet now he was fucking a bevy of women within an inch of their lives?

Rey wasn’t sure if she was offended, jealous, or just tired of listening to other women get off with the handsome neighbor who couldn’t even be bothered to communicate in complete sentences with her.

“Oh, yes,” she mocked in a high-pitched tone as the newest girl started babbling. “Yeah, Daddy, you fuck me so good.”

And _Daddy_ , seriously? Not all of the Orgasming Ladies of Apartment Five called Ben that, but the number was still statistically significant. Rey had even started a spreadsheet to track it. 40% of the Orgasming Ladies called Ben “Daddy,” 20% said they’d “never been fucked like that before _ohmygod,_ ” 10% cried in joy, and 100% of them got off.

Rey had gotten off a few times, too, admittedly, but what the fuck else was she supposed to do with a live-action porn feed playing through her bedroom wall every night? At least she didn’t shriek and wail like the Ghost of Orgasms Present when she came.

Orgasms aside, Rey was sick of hearing Ben’s sexual escapades every night. She hadn’t slept well since the Great Fuckening of 2019 had begun, and it was starting to impact her performance at work. She’d dozed off during the last staff meeting, and, worst of all, she’d messed up several Excel formulas. Rey was the _queen_ of Excel, and she hadn’t received this many error messages since she’d been a naive college student.

_Squeak squeak squeak_

_Thump thump thump_

“Ahh! Ahhh! I’ve never been fucked like this before, oh Daddy, please!”

Rey sat up in bed and pounded her fist against the wall. “It’s fucking three AM!” she screamed. “You should invest in a sturdier bed. And maybe a muzzle!”

The noises paused for a few blissful seconds… then started up again louder than before.

Rey collapsed on her bed and covered her face with the spare pillow, which would hopefully help drown out the sounds. If it didn’t, it could always be used to suffocate her.

The next time she saw Neighbor Sex God Ben, she was going to give him a piece of her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to [LittleMistake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlemistake/pseuds/Littlemistake) for the title!
> 
> This is fun and silly and will get explicit very soon. I hope you enjoy it!


	2. Chapter 2

Four days later, Rey ran into Ben at the mailboxes. He was brooding over a massive pile of crumpled mail, his brow furrowed and his dark hair tumbling forward to brush his cheeks. Rey froze for a moment, torn between her initial gut reaction of _wow so hot_ and her evidence-based conclusion that this man was an asshole and a womanizer.

“You,” she said venomously.

He recoiled, and a few of the envelopes cradled in his huge hands tumbled to the ground. “Uhhhh...”

Rey advanced on him, then drilled a finger into his chest. “You are the least considerate neighbor I’ve ever had.”

Ben’s mouth opened and closed like a fish. “I’m… sorry?”

“No, you’re not.” Rey fisted her hands on her hips and glared at him. “If you were actually sorry, you would have tried to keep it down when I banged on the wall the other night. Instead, you just fucked her louder.”

“Wait, what?” Ben looked confused, which was obviously some weird form of manipulation, because _come on_. No one could miss the way he’d railed that girl. The thought of how loudly Ben had made the unknown woman scream made Rey shift uncomfortably. He must be packing something powerful in those well-worn jeans.

“Look, I get that you have an overactive libido, but can you at least move your bed so the headboard doesn’t bang against the wall separating our rooms? I haven’t been able to sleep for three weeks.”

“Three weeks,” Ben said faintly. He still looked shell-shocked. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure!” Rey was really getting worked up now. She shoved his shoulder, and he staggered back, although he was so solid she had a feeling he was humoring her with the movement. “I have the spreadsheets to prove it. You’ve been fucking a new girl every night, and it’s stupidly loud. Maybe you should try to keep it down, _Daddy_.”

Ben gaped at her. “D-daddy? Spreadsheets? What?”

Rey rolled her eyes. “You can play innocent all you like, but we share a bedroom wall. I know exactly how many chicks you’ve been dicking down. And honestly, I don’t care what you get up to—I just care when your headboard is smacking the wall and your latest conquest is screaming at three in the morning. So what do you say, can you keep it down?”

Ben kept staring at her with a look of dazed incredulity. Fine. He was either a great actor or a compulsive liar, and either way, Rey wasn’t going to humor him. She shoved him one more time for good measure, then turned on her heel and stalked away.

“At least consider a gag for your paramours,” she said over her shoulder. “It’ll be safe, sane, consensual, and, most importantly, _not in my fucking ears_.”

Ben didn’t respond, but then again, why would he? Clearly he disliked interacting with Rey, no matter how many other girls he’d been inside of over the last three weeks.

Rey huffed an exasperated breath. _Men_. The ones who wanted you were rarely worth wanting in return, and the ones you wanted were rarely worth wanting, either. In short, heterosexuality was a curse.

#

Rey was halfway through a bowl of ramen when someone knocked on her door. She slurped up a few noodles before standing. “Just a minute!”

She wasn’t sure who it would be—Finn and Rose didn’t come over unannounced, and she wasn’t the type to order random goodies on Amazon Prime. Rey looked through the peephole, then froze when she realized it was Ben Solo. The fisheye effect of the peephole made his nose look extra huge, but her stomach still fluttered traitorously at seeing him.

She undid the locks and flung the door open. “What?”

Her scowl must have been effective, because Ben flinched. “I just… Can we talk?”

“Sure,” Rey said, crossing her arms. “Let’s talk.”

He blinked a few times, drawing Rey’s attention to his long, dark lashes. Damn it, why did he have to be so attractive? She was hyper-aware of his soulful eyes, his plush lips, his luscious hair, his broad shoulders… yeah, she was pretty much just aware of _him._

Ben cleared his throat. “All right. So. Um… as far as I can tell, you have a complaint about noises coming from my apartment. Sex noises.”

This freaking jerk. “Uh, yeah,” Rey said. “The thumping and screeching and ‘Oh, God, Daddy” got really old really fast.”

His cheeks turned pink. “Well, here’s the thing. None of that was me.”

Rey stared at him, wondering if he thought she was dense. “You live next to me, Ben. You can’t really pretend it was someone else.”

“No, seriously.” He shoved a hand through his dark hair. “I’ve been out of town for the last three weeks. My friend has been housesitting.”

“...Oh.” Rey’s jaw sagged, and her cheeks flushed with mortification. “Um, never mind then.”

She moved to close the door, but Ben slapped a hand against it, stopping her from shutting it. “I need to know more, though. Poe was just supposed to feed my cat. If he…” He winced and shook his head. “I don’t even want to think about it.”

“You have a cat?” Rey was distracted by the idea of this giant, adorable man owning a pet. Now that she knew Ben wasn’t the instigator of the Great Fuckening of 2019, her crush on him snapped right back into place.

“Armie,” he said, smiling in that goofy way pet parents did. “He’s an orange tabby.” He covered his face with his hands and groaned. “And he’s probably traumatized if Poe was having wild sex parties while I was away.”

Rey nibbled her lip, contemplating the man on her doorstep. This was the most she’d ever spoken to Ben Solo, and now that he’d been absolved of guilt when it came to the Orgasming Ladies of Apartment Five, she felt a deep desire to keep talking to him. Learn more about him. Maybe touch his...

She opened the door wider. “Do you want to come in?”

Ben ducked his head and made a weird noise that sounded like it might be affirmation, so Rey stepped aside and held the door open for him. He entered, walking as cautiously as Indiana Jones trying not to trip any booby traps.

Rey bit back her grin. “Don’t worry, I won’t bite.”

He looked even more panicked at that. “Uhh…”

It was becoming apparent that not only wasn’t Ben a ladies’ man, he wasn’t socially adept in general. Rey’s irritation had vanished, replaced by a strange sort of affection for this awkward being. “Please, sit down on the couch.”

Ben sat, legs together and hands pressed firmly against his thighs. He looked like a nervous interview candidate or a chastened schoolchild.

“Can I get you something to drink?” Rey asked.

“Water?” He squeaked the word like a question.

“Sure, I’ll grab you water.” Rey rolled her eyes as she went to the kitchen. Poor Ben was about to have a heart attack. She poured his water, then two glasses of red wine. “Only if you feel like it,” she said as she placed the wine in front of him.

She settled on the other end of the couch, wine in hand. It was the cheapest cabernet the grocery store had to offer, but Rey wasn’t the discerning type. Snobs were either rich or foolish, and since Rey was neither, she’d take her pleasure where she could get it.

Ben sipped the wine, then made a face. “Gack.” Apparently he was in the ‘rich or foolish’ category.

“You don’t need to be shitty about free booze,” Rey said.

“Sorry.” He took another sip, making a pleased expression that was blatantly false. “Mmm. The flavors expand on a second taste.”

Rey pressed her lips together, trying not to laugh at him. What a charmingly awkward man. She cleared her throat. “All right. So. Let’s talk about this housesitter.”

Ben exhaled gustily, then sank back on the cushions, the glass of wine cradled to his chest. “Poe Dameron is a friend of mine, and he’s the absolute worst.”

“Oh yeah?” Rey tucked her feet under her, getting comfy. “Tell me everything.”

The story was… long. It involved Ben’s estrangement from his family, the appearance of Poe as a surrogate son, and an eventual familial reconciliation, with the awkward side effect of Ben and Poe needing to become friends, despite having almost nothing in common.

“He’s so cool,” Ben said, sounding wistful. “Everyone likes him, especially women.”

“Well, I don’t like him.” Rey drained her glass. “He’s an inconsiderate shit.”

Ben sighed. “That’s just because you haven’t seen him yet. The moment you do, you’ll probably fall in love with him, too.”

Rey bristled. “I don’t care how hot he is. He’s still a dick. And besides, he can’t be…” She trailed off, realizing the wine was encouraging her to say something extremely inappropriate. “Never mind.”

Ben set his mostly-full glass down on the coffee table and turned to her. “No, tell me.”

Rey was tipsy, but she also approached life with a ‘fuck it, let’s do it’ kind of mentality, so she placed her empty glass on the coffee table, then fixed her attention on Ben. “He can’t be as attractive as you.”

Ben once again gave his best impression of a fish. His mouth opened and closed repeatedly, and his cheeks turned an intense shade of pink. “Huh,” he finally said.

Well, now Rey felt embarrassed. She rolled her eyes to cover up her discomfort. “Look, whatever. The point is that Poe is a terrible, inconsiderate housesitter, and he deserves to suffer.”

“Suffer,” Ben repeated weakly.

“Yes!” Rey sat forward, getting excited about the idea. “Seriously, he deserves something terrible to make up for all the sleep I lost listening to him having sex.”

Ben swallowed hard. “Sex. Right.”

“Where does he live?” Rey’s brain was going a mile a minute as she contemplated the possibility of revenge.

“Well, uh…” Ben took a rather large gulp of wine, and this time he managed not to look like the beverage had personally offended him. “He lives across town and has roommates, but he housesits every time I’m away…”

“Perfect.” Rey was already imagining a hundred delightful revenge scenarios. “So invite him to housesit again, and then we’ll punish him.”

Ben choked on his wine, and the red liquid dribbled down his chin and onto his button-up. “Punish?”

“Yup.” She grinned at her new accomplice in mischief. “Come on, Ben. He’s been having sex with a different woman every night in your bed.”

Ben closed his eyes and groaned. “Don’t remind me.”

“No, no.” She clambered towards him on the couch, settling with her knees pressed against his thigh. “Poe disrespected you,” she said, aware she sounded like a dollar store version of the Godfather. “If you don’t retaliate, he’ll do it again.”

His eyes flicked from her knees to her chest to her face. “Um… retaliate?”

“Don’t worry.” Feeling daring, Rey cradled his face in her hands. “I’ll help you.”

“Oh.” He stared at her with wide eyes, and Rey felt a surge of triumph as his pupils dilated and his chest rose and fell with hurried breaths. “Okay, then. Retaliation. Sure. Whatever you want.”

Rey grinned. “Great. Let’s start brainstorming.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Maybe one of us can sneak in while he’s having sex and leave erectile dysfunction pills on the bathroom counter. Then, when she does her UTI-prevention post-sex pee, she’ll see them and assume he has trouble keeping it up.”

They’d already killed one bottle of Rey’s cheap cabernet and were on a second. Rey was curled up the opposite end of the couch from Ben, jotting down ideas.

Ben looked skeptical. “If they’ve already had sex, will she care? And I’m pretty sure they’d notice someone entering the apartment, since it’s a one-bedroom.”

She pointed her pen at him. “The point of brainstorming is that you say whatever crazy idea comes to you, and no one’s allowed to judge.”

“Hm.” He rolled his lips between his teeth. Christ, he had an amazing mouth. He was constantly nibbling or sucking on his lips or biting the inside of his cheek or doing some other distracting thing that made Rey salivate over him, and she was pretty sure none of it was intentional, which just ramped up her arousal even more. Ben Solo was awkward, sweet, jacked, and gorgeous, and he seemed totally unaware of his carnal appeal. The combination made her want to tackle him, then ride him until he couldn’t see straight.

“Okay, okay,” Rey said. “What if, instead of erectile dysfunction pills, we put an Ovipositor on the counter?”

He looked baffled. “A what?”

“It’s this sex toy that simulates an alien laying eggs in you—”

Ben choked on his wine. “What the fuck?”

She grinned. “Hey, some people just want to have gelatinous eggs deposited in their delicate bits. There’s no need to get weird about it.”

Ben shook his head. “I can’t believe you talked me into this. How do you even know these things?”

“It’s called Google, Benny baby. And Reddit. And, uh, a Discord server devoted to erotic fan fiction.” Ben was gaping at her, so Rey waved a dismissive hand. “Never mind; that’s not important. It’s your turn to give a crazy idea.”

“Pardon me while I try to get gelatinous alien eggs out of my mind.” He muttered something to himself that sounded a bit like “Benny baby,” then took a deep gulp of his wine. “Ummm… Maybe we can set up speakers in his apartment that connect to a mic here? And then we say things like…” He faltered, his imagination apparently failing him.

Rey’s imagination was more than up to the task. “We say things like… ‘Poe Dameron, this is God, have you considered the morality of fucking a woman while you have syphilis?’”

Ben spat out his wine, then coughed and scrambled to grab a napkin. “Oh my God, Rey,” he wheezed as he patted up the stain on his trousers. “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

Rey bit her lip and grinned. “Ridiculous but fun, right?”

He grinned back at her, and Rey’s heart did a little flip. She was falling deeper into infatuation with every second. She shifted closer to him on the couch, tucking her legs under her and turning sideways to face him.

“Maybe we can say…” Ben lowered his voice dramatically. “‘Poe Dameron, this is the police. You’re under arrest for vandalism.'”

Rey quirked a brow. “Vandalism? A little tame, don’t you think, _Benny baby?_ ”

His cheeks pinkened. “I thought this was a judgment-free zone.”

“You’re right. You’re totally right.” Rey scribbled the suggestion down on her notepad. “What else could he be under arrest for?”

“Uh… Human trafficking?”

“Jesus, that escalated quickly.” Rey wrote that down as well. “Um… what if we plant a walkie-talkie under his bed and talk to him like he’s a spy on an undercover mission? Like he’s fucking her for information or something.”

“I don’t know, that sounds kind of hot.” The wine was apparently loosening Ben Solo up, because he seemed much more comfortable as he slung an arm over the back of the couch and turned to face her more fully.

Rey imagined role-playing as a spy with Ben and abruptly felt flushed. She tugged at the neck of her scoop-neck shirt, and Ben’s gaze dropped to track the movement. “That does sound hot,” Rey agreed, her buzz encouraging her to shift even closer to him. Her knees were nearly touching his thigh now. “Um… what if I bang on the door and pretend to be one of his former conquests who’s upset at being jilted?”

“What if I do it, instead?” Ben smirked. “Although that would give away the game.”

Rey was so enraptured by that smug tilt of his mouth that she totally forgot she was supposed to be taking notes. “What if we both do it? Maybe we had the best threesome ever and want a repeat.”

He licked his lips. “I don’t know if I could pretend that well. If I was with you…” He trailed off.

Rey’s lips parted, and she let out an unsteady breath. She scooted even closer, until her knees pressed against the muscled stretch of his thigh, and God, was he leaning towards her? “What? If you were with me... what?”

“I wouldn’t want to share.”

The low rumble of his voice resonated between her legs, and Rey shivered. Where had this flirty Ben come from? Was the wine responsible? Because if so, Rey was going to buy a dozen bottles and keep her next-door neighbor tipsy for days.

Abruptly, he leaned back, rubbing his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. That was really inappropriate. I shouldn’t have—”

Rey silenced him by scrambling over his lap, straddling him while she cupped his face in her hands. “Ben. It’s not inappropriate. I… I....” Fuck, how was she going to finish that sentence? _I want to kiss you. I want to fuck you. I want to roll around naked with you for days._

He gaped at her, and his eyes went wide with… panic?

Rey started to move off his lap. “Shit, sorry, I totally misread that. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable—”

Ben’s hands landed on her hips, holding her in place. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Rey, I want…”

Neither of them were being particularly articulate, but Rey knew what he wanted, because it was the same thing she wanted. Her stomach fluttered, her heart raced, and before she could second-guess herself, she leaned in and kissed him.

His lips were soft and yielding, and they tasted like heaven spiced with red wine. For a moment, he was still, but then his lips parted and he kissed her back. It was gentle and sweet, just like him, but Rey was so revved up that she moaned at the contact as loudly as if he’d licked between her legs.

At the sound, Ben tightened his grip on her hips and kissed her harder. His tongue slid over hers in a lewd dance, and she met him eagerly. When he tugged her lower lip between his teeth, she shifted restlessly in his lap, gasping as her crotch rubbed against the hard swell in his jeans.

“Fuck,” he breathed, tugging her tighter against him. She rocked over the impressive bulge, whimpering a little each time the motion stimulated her clit.

He moved suddenly, picking her up, then laying her flat on the couch. He crawled over her and settled between her legs. “Is this okay?” he asked as he rolled his hips, pressing his erection into her.

Rey groaned. “More than okay.”

He looked dazed. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“Why not?” She arched her back to rub her breasts against the solid wall of his chest. “I’ve been staring at you hornily for months.”

“You have?” Ben looked disbelieving and hopeful all at once. “But I’ve been staring at _you_ hornily for months.”

“Ben, you threw your mail on the ground when I said ‘hi’ to you. You practically ran away every time you saw me.” She gasped as his cock pressed against her clit with perfect pressure. “I thought you couldn’t stand me.”

He kissed her hungrily, grinding repeatedly against that spot until she was a whimpering, writhing mess. “I thought you were so beautiful, but I was too shy to talk to you.” He cupped her breast and squeezed, hissing when he realized Rey wasn’t wearing a bra.

“Not too shy now, though,” she said as he plucked her straining nipple.

“No,” he agreed. “Not anymore.” He worked his lips between his teeth as if he was thinking. “Or, you know, less shy. Still somewhat shy. Honestly, maybe fucking _petrified_ —”

Rey lunged up to seize his lips with her own, shutting him up. He made a low, greedy sound, then broke away from her lips to lick and suck a path down her neck. He was still humping her into the couch with desperate fervor, and the movement didn’t seem practiced, but Rey liked it even more because of that. She hadn’t expected the night to end like this, but fuck, she was _here_ for it.

“Ben,” she gasped when he sucked her nipple through her shirt. “Oh my God, please fuck me, Ben.”

He stilled. “Uh, I—” His mouth was doing that fish impression again, and he looked legitimately terrified.

“Never mind,” Rey squeaked. “Sorry, sorry. It’s fine if we just, you know…”

She didn’t know. _God_ , they were both so bad at talking about this.

He was quivering. She could feel the tremors under her palms and between her thighs. “I want it,” he said in a broken voice that sent her arousal spiraling through the roof. “Fuck, Rey, I want it so bad. But I haven’t—I’ve never—”

This time, she was able to make sense of their broken conversation. “You haven’t had sex before?” The idea was mind-blowing, since he was built and hot and sweet and so… so… so… _ugh_.

He shook his head. “Never.” His dark eyes were wide with what looked like desperation. “And I want to right now, really badly, with you, but I’m going to be terrible at it, and—”

“Shh.” She pressed a finger to his lips, then squirmed against him, feeling surprisingly aroused by the knowledge that he was a virgin. She wanted to teach him what that substantial erection beneath his jeans could do. She wanted to _ruin_ him for other women. “If you want to have sex…” An idea struck her. “Wait! This is perfect. We can fuck really loudly when Poe has a woman over!”

Ben made a strangled noise. “I, uh, I…”

“Yeah?” she asked when his mouth opened and closed repeatedly.

“ _Itwontlastverylong_ ” he said all at once, looking like he wanted to die. “Bad revenge. And also… my first time…”

“Oh!” Rey reached up to cup his cheeks, realizing she was being an arse about this. “No, you’re totally right. Your first time should have nothing to do with Poe Dameron.”

He winced. “Yes, please.”

“So.” Rey might be underneath him, but she recognized when she needed to take charge. She fixed him with a firm stare. “The question is: do you want to lose your virginity tonight, to me? Or do you want to wait? Because either way, I’m happy this happened. Even if you don’t lose it to me.”

Ben’s eyes signaled his feelings first. They softened, and Rey hadn’t realized eyes could be that expressive, but his definitely were. Soon he was grinning, revealing slightly crooked teeth. “I want to lose my virginity to you, Rey. Right now.”

She blew out a breath, feeling relieved, excited, and nervous all at once. “Good. Then I’ll just… carry on.”

He beamed, and _fuck_ , he was so handsome. Rey leaned up to taste that broad smile. She kissed him for long moments, then wriggled under him, trying to switch their positions. “I’m going to take charge,” she informed him. “Let’s go to the bedroom.”

He followed her like an eager puppy, trailing so closely behind that he nearly trod on her feet. When she ushered him into her bedroom and turned on a bedside lamp, he turned in a circle, studying her room with awe. “You like Star Wars?” he said when he noticed her posters and the line of mini figurines. “And Batman?”

“You know it. Love those morally gray characters.” She tugged on his shirt, trying to draw his attention away from the geeky paraphernalia.

“My dream woman,” he breathed, then pounced on her, knocking her back onto the bed. Rey giggled, but then he settled between her legs again, and she forgot about everything but the weight of him on top of her.

“Off,” she said, tugging at the hem of his shirt.

He knelt up and stripped it off, throwing it enthusiastically across the room. Rey gasped at the sight of his muscled torso, then scrambled onto her knees so she could study it more thoroughly. “Holy shit, Ben. How much do you work out?” She stroked the indentation between his massive pectorals, then counted each and every one of his delicious abs. There were eight of them, sweet baby Jesus.

He looked bashful. “A lot. I, uh, don’t exactly have a social life.”

“Fuck a social life. Your body is unreal.” Eager to explore more of him, Rey manhandled him until he was lying on his back in the middle of the mattress. He took up nearly the entire space, and some primal womanly instinct appreciated the sight of such a potently masculine figure filling her bed. She tackled his jeans next, ripping them off with more enthusiasm than finesse, and gasped in delight at the sight of the massive tent in his boxers. “Jesus, Ben, you could hold a circus in there.”

He made a strangled noise when she trailed a finger over his fabric-covered cock. “Rey, I need to see you. Please.”

She grinned wickedly. “I’m right here, Ben. Do you have a vision problem?”

“Need to see you naked,” he clarified. He surged upright, his abs rippling at the sit-up, then tugged up the hem of her T-shirt. Apparently he had decided to get the job done himself. Rey helped him, shucking off the shirt, then shimmying out of her jeans until she was left in just her blue polka-dotted underwear. It wasn’t the sexiest lingerie of all time, but by the way Ben was staring at her, anything sexier might have given him an aneurysm. “Holy fucking shit,” he said.

Rey liked her body just fine—it was strong and lean, and her ass earned its share of compliments, but she’d never been looked at like this before. Ben’s expression was both hungry and reverent, like he was torn between commemorating her tits with an oil painting and laying waste to an entire galaxy for the right to claim her.

“You’re one to talk,” she said, planting her hands on his meaty thighs and leaning in to lick a stripe over his nipple. “You’re the most attractive man I’ve ever seen.”

He made a garbled noise. “Rey, you are literally perfect. I can’t believe this is happening.”

His hands were fisted in the comforter, and she had a feeling he was trying to restrain himself from attacking her. That wouldn’t do. She knelt up and twined her arms over her head, arching her back to show off her breasts. “Don’t you want to touch me?”

He made another incoherent sound, and then both his massive hands were on her breasts. He totally covered them, but he didn’t seem to mind how small they were. “Jesus,” he said as he massaged the small mounds. “You’re incredible.”

She liked the way he was squeezing her tits, but she needed more. “Pinch my nipples,” she said. “And then take off my knickers.”

His entire body jerked. “Oh my God, why is it so sexy when you say ‘knickers’?” He obeyed her instructions, tweaking her nipples until she was panting and moaning, then pushing her onto her back so he could pull her underwear down her legs. He stared at her exposed pussy, and when Rey would have sat up to kiss him again, he planted a hand on her belly and held her down. “I want to look.”

It was a little embarrassing being examined so thoroughly, but hell, this was probably the first pussy Ben had ever seen, and he deserved a show. Rey slid her fingers between her legs and parted her lower lips, letting him see her glistening entrance.

He swore, then dove down, and to Rey’s shock, he covered her pussy with his mouth. “Oh my God,” they said in unison. Then he was licking her in a frenzy, devouring her like a starving man at a feast. “Fantasized about this,” he moaned against her before he dragged his tongue between her drenched folds. “I _love_ it.”

His fervor riled Rey up, even if his technique was the sexual equivalent of “shock and awe.” It was intense, and what he was doing didn’t matter as much as the fact that he was really, really enjoying it. He kept moaning against her, and when he started humping the sheets as he ate her out, Rey nearly lost it.

“Fingers in me,” she gasped. “Tongue on clit.”

He sank two fingers into her without hesitation, and Rey moaned and arched her back. His fingers were huge, stretching her deliciously. He nosed around until he bumped into her clit, and when Rey jerked at the contact, Ben promptly applied his mouth to the spot. He was licking too gently, so Rey gripped his hair and tugged him closer. “Harder. Suck.” She could barely form words, but he caught on immediately, and oh, oh, _oh_ —

Ben sucked her clit with an intensity she’d only ever felt when using advanced vaccum-suction sex toys, and Rey’s pleasure built until she was practically screaming. The tension finally burst into release, and her legs actually shot out and shook with the force of her orgasm. She babbled nonsense at him, interspersed with high-pitched whines. She’d never made sounds like that in her life.

“Oh, God,” she gasped as she came down from the orgasm.

“Was that all right?” Ben asked, looking up from between her legs. A lock of dark hair tumbled over his forehead, and his lips were shiny with her wetness. Rey had never seen anything so alluring.

“That was the best orgasm of my life,” she said vehemently. “Jesus, Ben. You’re a prodigy.”

He grinned, then wiped his mouth on his forearm and crawled up her body to settle between her legs again. “I really enjoyed doing that. If you let me, I’m going to do it every chance I get.”

Rey stroked Ben’s hair away from his forehead. “I can’t believe you’re real.”

Her legs were still quivering, but Rey wasn’t going to let this sweet, giant sex god give without receiving, so she mustered up the strength to push at his shoulder, then scrambled over him when he turned onto his back. She tugged down his boxers, leaving him to kick them away while she stared awestruck at his cock. It jutted up from a patch of coarse black hair: long, thick, and leaking with pre-cum. Rey licked her lips as she stared at the flushed column. Was there a more delectable dick in existence?

Ben made a strangled noise. “That’s—”

She dove down as abruptly and enthusiastically as he had, wrapping her lips around the tip, and whatever Ben had meant to say was lost in a garbled mix of curses and groans. Rey swirled her tongue around him, then opened wide and bobbed her head, taking him deeper with each pass. Ben’s hands flew up to tug at the roots of her hair for a few thrilling moments, but then his grip relaxed, as if he’d realized it was poor manners to try to force a woman further onto his cock. His hands fell away, and when Rey glanced up, she saw that he was clenching them by his sides, the knuckles white with how tightly he was squeezing.

She drew off him with a lewd-sounding _pop_. “You can grab my hair.”

Ben groaned. “I don’t… I can’t…” His torso jackknifed up, and then he was frantically pushing Rey away from him. “No, no, no, can’t come, oh _God._ ”

Rey grinned up at him as he sat upright, panting and running his hands over his face. His dick brushed against her cheek every time his hips twitched, as if he couldn’t contain the movement. Clearly he had been seconds away from coming.

“You don’t want to come in my mouth?” she asked innocently. “I’d love to taste it.”

“ _Fuck_.” Another jerk of his hips, and this time Ben actually clenched his hand over the top of his dick, as if forcibly preventing it from going off. “Rey, this is the last thing I ever thought I’d say to you, but can you please stop talking or touching me for a bit?”

Rey hid her smile in his thigh. “Sure, Ben. Whatever you need.”

She rested her cheek against his leg while he breathed heavily above her, feeling oddly content for such a sexually charged moment. She was more than ready to take him, but there was something deeply satisfying about being the person to guide him through his first sexual experience. Rey would be as patient as he needed her to be.

The thought sparked a question. “Ben, do you want to come now, and then we can have sex later tonight?”

One of his huge, long-fingered hands settled on her head, and he stroked her hair away from her cheek. When Rey peeked up at him, he was smiling down at her fondly. “I understand the rationale, and it’s honestly tempting… but is it weird if I just want to go for it, even if I embarrass myself with how quickly I come?” His eyes widened in alarm. “Not that I would leave you wanting, of course. I’m going to come fast no matter what, and after I can…” He groaned and palmed his face. “This is coming out terribly.”

She tugged him down to lie beside her, then kissed him again. “You’re doing great. Just try to relax.”

He transferred his incredulous look from her face to his dick and back again. “Relax? When you’re lying naked next to me and I have the most excruciating erection of my life?”

“Excruciating?” Rey brushed her fingers over it, and he hissed. “If it hurts that bad, Benny baby, why don’t we take care of it?”

“It doesn’t hurt, it just— _God_.” He jerked when she gently tugged on his testicles. “Okay, you’re right, time to take care of it.” He took a deep breath. “Rey, will you please, please take my virginity?” Then his eyes went wide. “Wait, shit, I don’t have a condom.”

Rey smiled and kissed him before clambering over him and settling herself on his lap. “I’m on birth control, and I’m clean. I can probably rustle up a condom somewhere, but if you’re okay with it, we can just do it like this.”

Ben gaped up at her. “I’m hallucinating, aren’t I? You probably just said hi to me in the hallway and I fell over and hit my head and this is all a dream. I’m probably in the hospital right now, barely clinging to life, and this is a glimpse of heaven. I’m probably—”

Ben was clearly a nervous babbler, so Rey silenced him by gripping his dick firmly, then lifting her hips to notch him at her entrance. He let out a choked sound, and his hands flew to clutch her hips. “Are you ready?” she asked.

Ben nodded frantically. His eyes were wide, his cheeks flushed, and he was practically vibrating with excitement. Rey had never been so simultaneously amused, charmed, and horny in her life. She worked the tip of him into her, exhaling hard at the stretch. “Fuck, Ben, you’re huge.” At the words, his fingers twitched on her hips, and he squeezed his eyes shut, his forehead furrowed as if he was concentrating very hard on not coming.

Rey slowly worked her way onto him, lifting slightly before sinking down another inch. She hadn’t been lying—he was even bigger than her biggest dildo. By the time she was fully seated on him, she was sweating and panting. He was big everywhere, and her inner thighs burned from straddling him. “God, that’s good,” she said as she rocked her hips softly. “How is it for you?”

Ben’s awestruck gaze flicked between her face, her breasts, and the place where they joined. “This is the best moment of my entire life,” he said with perfect seriousness.

Rey grinned and lifted up, savoring the drag of his cock against her inner walls. She rode him gently, letting them both get accustomed to the sensations. Ben let her set the pace, but soon he was nudging up into her, echoing the movements of her hips.

“Yes,” Rey hissed when he started moving a little more forcefully and the tip of his dick hit impossibly deep.

Apparently encouraged by the sound, he gripped her hips more firmly and guided her up and down while he bucked up into her. His movements were rough and jerky, but Rey could already tell that Ben Solo was going to be a prodigy at this, too. His muscles rippled with each thrust, and Rey couldn’t wait until she got to experience him railing her from behind with all his strength.

She was soaked for him, and her inner muscles were already quivering with the need for release. Rey started rubbing her clit while he worked her up and down, and the added stimulation made her clench around him.

Ben grunted, then abruptly flipped her over onto her back and thrust back into her hard enough to make her gasp. “Sorry, I’m about to… I have to…”

She reached down to grip his ass and tug him harder into her. “Do it,” she said in his ear. “Fuck me hard, Ben. I want to feel you come.”

He moaned, then set a punishing pace as he pistoned between her legs hard enough to make the headboard knock against the wall. Rey held on for dear life, letting out little stuttered cries every time he slammed deep. Soon, Ben made a garbled sound and pushed deep one last time, his entire body trembling as he came. “Holy shit,” he gasped as his hips twitched. “Oh, fuck. Rey. _Rey_.”

He collapsed on top of her, nearly crushing her. Rey smiled against his sweat-dampened hair as she held him. She was deliriously happy to have experienced his first time with him.

Soon he groaned and rolled off her onto his side. His eyes were hazy, and a goofy smile tugged at his lips. “That was… wow.”

“Wow, indeed.” Rey kissed him, slow and deep. “That was amazing, Ben.”

His hand settled on her breast, then trailed down her belly and slipped between her legs. “We’re not done yet,” he promised as his fingers played in the wetness there. “I promised to make you come, and I’m going to keep that promise.”

It wouldn’t take much, considering how turned on Rey was. She gripped his wrist and guided him until he was pressing directly against her clit, then moaned when he began rubbing it in rough circles. “Just like that,” she said, closing her eyes and tipping her head back. God, he took direction like a dream.

She orgasmed with a breathy gasp, her hips bucking as her inner muscles clenched and fluttered. Warmth washed over her skin, and when it was over, she collapsed into a relaxed, sleepy puddle. She hummed with contentment as Ben pulled her into a spooning position.

“Thank you,” he said, kissing her temple. “That was incredible.”

“No, thank _you_ ,” she said vehemently. “You are the most incredible lover, Ben Solo. Please do that to me every day from now until forever.”

Maybe the sentiment was a little intense, but Ben didn’t seem to mind. He hugged her tighter. “I will,” he vowed.

“And we’re still getting revenge on Poe, right?” Rey mumbled. She was half-asleep already.

Ben chuckled. “Oh, we are definitely getting revenge on Poe. But I think we should practice a lot before then. You know, to make sure it’s as long and loud as possible.”

Rey grinned into the pillow. “Sounds good to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what did you think?? I thought sweet virgin Ben needed to have a legitimately good first time before we get into the bonkers revenge sex. And believe me, it's going to be truly bonkers.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some sweet, sweet REVENGE

_One month later_

Rey eyed their setup critically, trying to think if they’d forgotten anything. She’d converted her bedroom into a war room, with wireless speakers, a laptop, and a tablet resting on a folding table beside the bed. She’d already tested the bed’s placement to make sure the headboard would bang against the wall later.

There were other items set up in Ben’s apartment—oh, _so_ many other items—and she’d already gone over those earlier, testing the sound system and ensuring everything was in its proper place.

It was finally time to get revenge on Poe, and Rey couldn’t freaking wait.

Ben lounged on her bed, smirking at her in that endearing way he had. At first, Rey had thought it was an affectation he’d developed to look cooler than he was, but eventually she’d realized Ben had no idea he looked cool. He was just smiling in a lopsided manner, and because he’d been blessed in the looks department—God truly must be a woman—an expression that might have looked awkward on another man just looked devastatingly hot on Ben Solo.

“You look villainous,” he told her. “Like, I wish you had a cat so you could stroke it and cackle in a sinister manner.”

“God, I wish I had a cat, too.” Rey bit her lip and grinned at him, enjoying the way his eyes, as always, flicked to her mouth when she did that. “Maybe I can stroke you in a sinister manner, instead?”

He pressed his lips together, and she knew he was biting back a grin. Ben’s grins were rare, and even more precious because of that. “I would tell you that’s a terrible pickup line, but we both know it’s a lie.”

“I think you’re _into_ me, Ben Solo,” Rey said in a sing-song voice as she clambered onto the bed and crawled towards him. “I think you have a _crush_.”

She settled over his lap, and he gripped her hips, squeezing just enough to remind her what those strong hands could do. “It’s more than a crush, and you know it,” he said in a low voice.

Rey shivered, then leaned in to kiss him gently. They hadn’t said the L-word yet, but they’d been dancing around it. Maybe their relationship was moving too fast, but Rey had never been more certain of anything in her life. Ben Solo was awkward, sweet, jacked, and gorgeous, but he was also sensitive, intelligent, thoughtful, funny, and the most interesting person Rey had ever met. She wanted to tell him she loved him, but she didn’t want to freak him out if he wasn’t at her level of extreme infatuation yet, so she’d decided to go at his pace.

“If I’m a villain, you’re a villain,” she said. “Like The Notebook, but more fucked up.”

His brow furrowed. “What?”  
  
“You know, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird?” When his face stayed blank and uncomprehending, Rey sighed. “Never mind. The point is, we’re about to get all villainous on Poe, and I am so excited I might die.”

“Don’t die. I would be very sad.” Ben started tickling her ribs, and Rey shrieked and collapsed on the bed as she tried to wriggle away from him. They were both laughing hysterically, and Rey’s heart was about to burst from joy.

Ben’s phone buzzed with a notification, and they stilled.

“Is that—”

Ben grabbed his phone, then nodded. “It is. Hux says Poe just left the bar with a woman he picked up.” Hux was one of Poe’s roommates, and since he was, according to Ben, “a real dickhead,” he’d had no qualms about assisting Ben and Rey in their diabolical plotting. In fact, he’d found the whole idea hilarious.

Rey’s heart rate accelerated, and she immediately snapped into military general mode. “Okay, let’s get Skype going.”

They’d decided to leave a laptop in Ben’s room with Skype on—not including video, thank you very much—to make sure their pranks were having an effect. At first, Rey had argued it was creepy to listen in, but Ben had pointed out that Poe had been delighted to fuck as loudly as possible, even after Rey had knocked on the wall, so clearly he didn’t have a problem being heard. All the Skype audio feed would do was pick up any conversation not already screamed.

They headed into Ben’s apartment to complete final prep. “This is probably immoral,” Rey said as Ben plugged in his laptop on his desk and pulled up Skype.

He smirked—or, rather, crookedly smiled—at her. “More immoral than Poe having sex with dozens of women on my bed?” He shook his head. “I have no moral scruples. Let’s do it.”

Rey grinned. “I knew there was a reason I liked you, Solo.”

When everything was done, they returned to Rey’s place, giggling like schoolchildren. Rey set up camp at the window overlooking the street, waiting for the arrival of their victim.

She didn’t have long to wait. A Lyft pulled up, and a handsome man she recognized from Facebook photos spilled out, along with a leggy blonde in a glittery dress. They were clearly tipsy as they stumbled towards the door, kissing sloppily.

“The Eagle has landed,” she informed Ben.

“Copy.”

She eyed Ben critically. He was dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt, but at some point, they would need to get naked. “Should we strip now?”

“I don’t know if I can listen to this naked,” he admitted.

“Maybe lose the jeans?” Rey was already shimmying out of hers. “That way, when it’s time, we can just get straight to it.”

Ben made a choking sound. “I can’t believe we’re actually doing this. And honestly, considering what we’re about to hear, it’ll be a miracle if I can get hard.” Nevertheless, he shucked off his jeans, and then they huddled together at the edge of the bed, listening for any noises from Skype.

A click announced the lock opening, and then a feminine giggle came over the speakers. “Nice place,” the woman said.

“Thanks,” came a cocky voice. “I’m actually gonna upgrade soon. I just got a major promotion at work, so I can afford some serious real estate.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “He’s a barista,” he whispered to Rey. Their own microphone was, of course, muted.

Rey held her breath, anticipating the first trap, which would be sprung the moment they moved from the narrow entryway to the living room.

“Is that—”

Tinny music interrupted the woman, and then:

_I wanna know  
Can you help me… _

“Yes, it is,” Rey said gleefully as the breathy male singing voice came over Skype.

_Take me to the river  
Drop me in the water _

“You have a Big Mouth Billy Bass?” The woman couldn’t have sounded more disdainful, and Rey toppled onto her side, quaking in silent laughter. She could just imagine it—Poe and his finely-dressed date staring in horror at the animatronic singing fish mounted on the wall. The Big Mouth Billy Bass was triggered by motion sensor, and right now it would be flopping to and fro, mouthing the lyrics to “Take Me To The River.”

“Uh, yeah.” The singing abruptly cut off. Poe chuckled awkwardly. “It was a gag gift from a friend. Sorry, didn’t realize it was still on.”

“Well, that’s one way to set the mood. Let’s just forget that happened, hm?”

There were rustling sounds, accompanied by the telltale sound of kisses. Ben and Rey shared a wince. This was uncomfortable. But the next stage of the revenge plot depended on the couple actually getting intimate.

“Let me put on some music,” Poe said, and Rey fist-pumped in victory. Ben had told him Poe had access to the Sonos system and could put on a playlist, which would just make the inevitable interruption that much better when Rey added her own song to the playlist.

Soft jazz filtered through the speakers, and Ben huffed. “Such a cliché.”

For someone who had only lost his virginity a month ago, Ben had become quite a snob about sex. Rey leaned in to whisper in his ear. “Must I remind you that we banged to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack the other day? Can you really judge him?”

“Excuse you, Lord of the Rings is a superior piece of media and hardly a cliché.”

Rey had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. But hey, now that Poe was back in action—the slurping sounds confirmed it—they should probably start making their own sounds, anyway.

Rey moaned loudly, and Ben jumped like a startled cat. “Oh yeah, baby,” she said in her best sexpot voice. “Show me that big, throbbing dick.”

Ben made a choking sound, and a feminine giggle came from the speakers. “Sounds like your neighbors are getting frisky, too.”

“I’m honestly shocked,” Poe said. “The woman next door is a real bitch. She’s like, the fun police. I’m amazed anyone would want to hit that.”

Rey’s jaw dropped, and Ben glared at the laptop as if it were personally responsible for Poe’s rude words. “You’re the most beautiful woman on Earth,” he shouted vehemently at the wall. “And really smart, too. God, I’m so lucky to be with you.”

Rey didn’t know whether to laugh or say “Awwww.” “Ben,” she whispered, “that is really sweet, but maybe you should aim for something a little dirtier?”

“Oh, right.” He cleared his throat. “I love you so much that I’m gonna fuck you up! Fuck you right up with… with this big, meaty dick!”

“Oh, Daddy,” Rey managed to choke out, desperately struggling not to cackle outright at Ben’s version of dirty talk. “Yeah, fuck up this pussy.”

“Wow.” Poe's voice crackled from the speakers. “That’s, uh, certainly something. Here, let me turn up the music.”

Oh, this was already going so well.

More rustling sounds, and then the woman spoke again. “You have Star Wars bedsheets?”

Poe laughed nervously. “Oh, yeah, those are just my spare sheets. Um. Laundry day.”

“And wait, what is that picture above the headboard? Oh my God.” Horror filled her voice. “Is that… Darth Maul? With a…”

“Huge, red cock, plowing Jar Jar Binks in the ass?” Rey whispered, finishing the sentence for her. “Why yes, yes it is!” It had taken a long, traumatizing internet search to find that particular piece of fanart, but the effort was absolutely worth it as Poe choked and sputtered.

“That’s—it’s not what it looks like.”

“It looks like you’re kind of a freak,” the woman said. “That’s really weird, Poe.”

“Again, gag gift. From my friend. Ben. Uh, yeah. Ben’s a really weird guy. I honestly forgot all about it. Let me take it down.”

Now it was Rey’s turn to glare at the laptop. How dare Poe accuse her boyfriend of being weird? Only Rey got to do that. “Your body is magnificent,” she practically screamed at the wall. “Oh, yeah, Daddy, you really know how to pleasure a woman.”

Ben twitched, then looked down at his lap accusingly. When Rey followed his gaze, she saw he was semi-hard. He was often hard around Rey, but she felt particularly proud at having provoked this reaction, considering the circumstances.

Time to ramp up the dirty talk and take it somewhere downright uncomfortable. “Lick my pussy, Daddy. Stick your long, thick tongue in there and slurp me up.” She wiggled on the bed a bit to make the headboard nudge gently against the wall. “Yeah, like a lizard! Make me your prey, Daddy!”

“This is going to be the weirdest erection I’ve ever had,” Ben whispered.

“What the fuck,” the woman said.

“It’s okay.” Poe sounded a little panicked. “That’s just… yeah. Let’s just get into it, huh? You’ll forget about them soon enough, I promise you.”

Rey kept up a series of occasional moans and headboard rattling, but otherwise she bided her time, waiting for Poe and the woman to get down to it. A few minutes later, they were clearly engaged in some sort of foreplay act, considering all the loud groaning going on.

“Let me get a condom,” Poe said.

“Initiating stage three,” Rey whispered. Her fingers hovered over the laptop.

“Ready?” Poe asked.

Rey clicked play on her addition to the Sonos playlist.

A cascade of drums was followed by a familiar synthesizer melody, and then Rick Astley started crooning.

_We're no strangers to love  
You know the rules and so do I _

_A full commitment's what I'm thinking of  
You wouldn't get this from any other guy _

“Oh my God,” the woman said. “Did you just… rickroll me? During sex?”

“No, no!” Poe could be heard scrambling to pause the infamous song. “Jesus, no. I have no idea how that got on the playlist, stupid Sonos.”

_Never gonna give you up_  
_Never gonna let you down_  
_Never gonna run around and desert you_

The familiar strains of “Never Gonna Give You Up” ended, and soft jazz started tinkling through the speakers once more.

Rey was rolling now, clutching her gut and wheezing. Next to her, Ben wasn’t doing much better. When a laugh burst out of him, he quickly changed it to a strangled groan. “God, yeah.” His voice shook. “You’re so… so…” His lips trembled, and he mashed them together, looking at Rey with wide eyes.

Ben was clearly falling apart, so Rey cleared her throat and sat up, taking charge again. “Yeah, you dirty lizardman,” she shouted. “Get in there. Suck it all up.”

Ben collapsed and buried his face in a pillow, shoulders shaking.

“Hey, let’s try this again,” Poe said after a lengthy pause. “I know things have been a bit… odd tonight, but I promise it’ll get better.”

“Fine,” the woman said. “Just do it quick, before they really get going over there.”

A familiar rhythmic tapping began as Ben’s headboard started smacking the wall.

Rey navigated Sonos, picked her next song, and clicked play.

_Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo  
Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo _

“What the fuck?” The woman actually shrieked. There was a muffled grunt and some cursing. “Turn that shit off!”

_Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo  
Baby shark! _

“Make me your fuck toy,” Rey screamed as soon as the music stopped. “Fuck up all my holes, Lizard Daddy!” She lowered her voice to address Ben, who was still writhing in agonized laughter. “Do you think you can manage to actually fuck me right now?”

“I can’t,” he gasped. “Oh my God, Rey, I love you, but I can’t.”

They both froze. Ben stared up at her with a panicked expression. “I mean, uh…”

She grinned and ducked down to kiss him. “I love you, too. And let’s talk about it after.”

He nodded, panic transforming to pure joy on his face. “After.”

If Ben couldn’t assist her with the sexy noise-making, Rey would have to improvise. She grabbed the headboard and started rocking, rattling the bed as hard as she could until it thumped into the wall. “Lizard Daddy, please. Feast on my succulent flesh!”

“I will.” Ben sounded like he was on the verge of crying. “God, you feel so good wrapped around my enormous d-d-dick.”

“Plunder me,” Rey shrieked. “Impregnate me with your spawn!”

“You know what, this is too weird,” the woman said. Ben and Rey fell silent to listen, although Rey kept rocking the bed. “You’re hot, but honestly? This is the strangest sexual experience of my life, and not in a good way.”

“I know,” Poe said, sounding desperate. “And I just… the thing with the neighbors. God. I had no idea they were into lizard roleplay, I swear.”

Ben dove beneath the pillows again, making choking sounds.

“It’s not just that. The fish, and your weird playlist, and that Star Wars… _thing_. Honestly, it’s freaking me out.”

“Baby, please. You can’t leave me like this.”

“How are you even still erect after listening to ‘Baby Shark’?” the woman demanded. “You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know. I’m going to use your bathroom, and then I’m leaving.”

“Yes,” Rey hissed. They’d already ruined Poe’s night—and this poor woman’s, who alas, had become collateral damage—but this would be the topper on the exquisite revenge cake.

Ben took the pillow off his face and sat up, and they both hunched over the laptop, listening for the telltale sounds of the final piece of the plot falling into place.

It came less than thirty seconds later in the form of a shriek and a door slamming against the wall. “What the fuck is this?”

A smack was followed by an “Ow!” from Poe.

“She threw it at him,” Rey breathed, hardly daring to believe it.

“Were you gonna use that thing on me? Huh? Are you some kind of lizard freak, too?”

“Babe, I don’t even know what this is.” There was a pause, presumably as he examined it. “Oh,” Poe said in a small voice. “It’s, uh, an Ovipositor. It was… a gift. From my friend. Ben.” Even he didn’t sound convinced anymore.

“I don’t know what your deal is, but I am out of here. You can find some other girl to lay fucking _eggs_ in or whatever it is you do with that thing.”

Ben’s apartment door slammed, and Poe’s date stormed away.

The silence stretched out. Ben and Rey waited, listening.

“Jesus Christ,” Poe finally said.

Ben lost it again, and Rey was right there with him. She buried her head in his shoulder, giggling hysterically.

Ben’s phone buzzed, and he reached out to grab it. On the screen was a text message.

> Can’t housesit anymore, sorry

Another buzz.

> Let’s talk when you get back

The door opened and closed again, and Poe Dameron headed into the night, having been soundly defeated.

#

It turned out that, once they’d gotten the laughter out of their systems and were no longer role-playing as lizard people, Ben was very much still capable of getting hard. They had passionate and playful sex, interspersing moans with hushed laughter, and without Ben’s headboard banging away, there was nothing to disrupt the intimate moment.

Afterwards, Rey lay with her head on Ben’s shoulder and her leg twined over his, tracing patterns over his pecs. “That was amazing,” she said. “The sex, obviously, but also everything else.”

His laughter rumbled through his chest. “Rey, you are the most ridiculous human being I’ve ever met. I don’t think I’ve laughed that much in my entire life.”

She grinned. “You’re equally ridiculous. Do you think anyone else would have participated in that revenge plot with me?”

“Maybe not, but would anyone else have gone to such extreme lengths to stop my so-called friend from having sex in my bed?”

“Hey, that benefited me as much as you.”

He dropped a kiss on the top of her head, and Rey nestled closer. “You’re the best part of my life, Rey,” he said softly. “And I meant what I said earlier. That I love you.”

She beamed up at him. “I love you, too.” She chuckled, thinking of something. “What a way to say it for the first time. I’m going to call you Lizard Daddy from now on.”

He groaned. “Please don’t.”

“Whatever you say, Lizard Daddy.”

“I’m serious, Rey.”

“I am, too, Lizard Daddy.”

He flipped Rey onto her back, startling a squeak out of her. He settled between her legs, grinning down at her, and Rey thought he was the most handsome man in the entire universe. “You’re such a weirdo.”

“Yeah, but I’m your weirdo.” She leaned up to give him a lingering kiss. “...Lizard Daddy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was something!
> 
> What did you think about Ben and Rey's revenge? Was it everything you hoped for? I'd love to hear your thoughts and reactions.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> -Anda
> 
> \-----  
> Relevant links:
> 
> [Big Mouth Billy Bass](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)  
> [Never Gonna Give You Up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)  
> [Baby Shark](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)  
> [The Ovipositor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)  
> [Darth Maul and Jar Jar (EXTREMELY NSFW)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)  
> \-----
> 
> My other works, for those interested:
> 
> [They Don't Have A Word For What We Are](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17867792/chapters/42167327) \- canon-compliant, post-TLJ smutfest with lots of plot. Rated E, complete at 69 chapters.  
> [Rev Me Up](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18977620/chapters/45061165) \- Modern AU set at a car show. Rated E, complete at 5 chapters.  
> [The Elusive Mating Dance of the Porgus Adorabilis](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19053454/chapters/45258604) \- Modern AU where Rey is an ornithologist and Kylo Ren is a playboy who crash lands his plane on the island where she's doing her research. Rated E, complete at 8 chapters.  
> [The Rebel's Secret Passion" by B.S. Kysses](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19181209/chapters/45594586) \- Cracky canonverse comedy featuring romance novelist/Supreme Leader Kylo Ren and Rey, who is unknowingly his biggest fan. Rated E, complete at 15 chapters  
> [Satan in a Three-Piece Suit](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19104316/chapters/45392914) \- Modern enemies-to-lovers AU set in an office. Rated E, WIP  
> [Sleight of Hand](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19848865/chapters/47003071) \- Modern AU where Kylo is a magician. Rated E, WIP  
> [Welcome to my Dark Side](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19384882/chapters/46125988) \- Canon-divergent fic featuring Dark!Rey and Smuggler!Ben. Rated E, WIP  
> [Sensual Storytime](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20330854/chapters/48205285) \- Modern AU where IT nerd Ben Solo moonlights as erotic audio narrator Kylo Ren. Rated E, WIP  
> [One-Shots!](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1387747)


End file.
